Who made this soup. / by Becca Barton

This can't be what health looks like

This soup is following me everywhere. I can't be the only one seeing it. It's ~aesthetic, but... off. 

Like, it's soup, I get it. But also, how dare it call itself a soup? This is five noodles and a child-sized handful of leftovers from a farmer’s market. It’s like an AI, fed thousands of recipes of soup, started generating its own soup, then got bored halfway through and stopped.

How can this be ‘nutrient-packed’ when 3 out of 5 ingredients are herbs, and there’s only half of a vegetable? The most offensive part of this whole thing to me is the half floret of cauliflower. They took the time to cut up a floret, but couldn’t be bothered to throw the rest of it in. Where did the rest of it go? Who is eating the other half of my cauliflower?

Is that one single leaf of basil? Weather conditions have been tough this year, but surely we can’t be rationing out basil like this? It’s not even cut up! It’s just one single leaf! Are you supposed to eat it alone? And the dill! Did the chef imagine me placing the dill delicately in my mouth, and chewing on it like an herb tumbleweed with the enthusiasm of a woman in a yogurt commercial?

And WHILE we're here, let's talk about the elephant in the room: the inedible stalks that have taken up residence on top of this nightmare. I assume they're lemongrass, but am I supposed to chew on them? I checked, and almost all search results recommended removing the stalk before eating. This is even worse news, because now we’ve learned that not only are there only five ingredients in this soup, one of them isn’t even edible.

This soup is the Melania-Trump’s-Christmas-decorations of soup. It’s soup, but with a sad, empty, despair-filled twist. Somehow, they have made soup — warm, nourishing, life-giving soup — sad.

I checked their website, and there are more photos of the same soup, with no more ingredients. They’ve painstakingly switched out the background to, I presume, show off the versatility of this sad broth disaster. Look at all the thought that went into curating and arranging the soup. Imagine if they’d put that kind of effort into making the soup. For god’s sake, the background has more components than this soup!

You can try and photograph this soup in a hundred different angles, and never find a flattering angle. This is soup that’s given up, and to be honest, given this year, I can’t blame it. This soup is all of us, on Friday, after being dealt a week’s worth of news. Yes, we look like ourselves, but emptier, hollower than before.

I’m into this soup, but for all the wrong reasons. Who thought I wanted this? Who thought anyone wanted this? This soup is 50 calories max. tbh I’d rather just eat 5 peanuts.