Riverdale Conspiracy Theories: The Black Who'd / by Becca Barton

I, like everyone who's watched Riverdale, and also everyone who walks this Earth, have opinions. 

Specifically, I have opinions about who is terrorizing our fav small town, Riverdale, under the name of the black hood. Or, what a better question may be at this point, is literally who isn't. Anyway, let's just get right into this.

The black hood is at least 3 people.

Evidence: we have one confessed black hood, Hal, but we also have three (3) instances that Hal either hasn’t confirmed he did (Chic), or wasn’t able to, because he had an alibi (Town Hall, Fred, but the second time). This could mean we have one imitation black hood, but I think you will see from the compelling evidence I present, there must be more than one.

First, let’s examine Chic’s case. I believe the voice on the phone was definitely Hal’s, and I believe the voice on the phone has always been Hal’s, however, I find it difficult to believe that the same slow moving oaf who could barely muster up a brisk walk whilst terrorizing Cheryl with an axe, could be the same black hood as the one who took off after Chic like it was the goddamn Olympic trials. Hal, I argue, just does not have the physical prowess to have run this fast. 

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So this leaves us with at least one black hood. Next, let’s examine Town Hall. I’m sorry to tell you, but this black hood was Sheriff Zaddy Keller. Evidence: The old school gun, which is maybe a rifle, maybe a shotgun, but definitely a gun. Why is it him? Oh, maybe because he had approx one thousand motives. A of all, he is jobless, so he’s got a ton of time to plan a crime like this. B, inciting terror under the new sheriff is just good for business for the recently shunned ex-sheriff. C, he is the right stature. You will see but basically my argument for the black hood is that all of them are dads of Riverdale, for god who knows what reason. And finally, d: green. frickin. eyes. Them’s the writing on the wall, baby.

So what else has Sheriff Zaddy done? I argue it was him who chased after Chic, because from what I hear, cops have to run a pretty fast mile, and as we noted from The Basement Scene, when we saw him earn his Zaddy badge, he is Incredibly Fit. Double check my count, but I am pretty sure he had ~10 abs. That is the kind of bod that could chase after Chic like a car on a high speed chase. 

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Next, I’d like to point out some [bullet] holes in the Fred attack (the remix). Namely, we are meant to believe that this brutal killer just waltzes right into the Andrews’ home, has a quick little tussle with a 17 year old boy, stands there, waits for Fred to heroically say “noooooo not my son!!!!” and leap in front of the gun like he’s g-d will smith (when we WELL know he is not), and then decide just one shot is good enough, even though the first time, Fred Andrews _survived_? This is some bull!! If the killer had really come back to finish the job, I think he would have been able to spare a second bullet for good ol’ Fred Andrews. 

And so. I argue that this attack was planned. Planned, because the killer knew he would be wearing a bulletproof vest. Planned, because he didn’t shoot to kill, he shot to create a narrative. Planned, because who the hell fails at killing someone twice, when they have killed so many others in just one try. Planned, too, because notice how quickly Fred bounces back from a SECOND MURDER ATTEMPT. Two murder attempts is a lot for a simple man like Fred. I believe this, again, was Sheriff Keller, trying to create more chaos and throw more dirt on the name of the new Sheriff Regime. By continuing to make it look like the Black Hood is still out there, Zaddy Keller is making his time leading the city look not so bad in comparison. I also think Fred might have been in on this, because he is a Good Guy, and I believe in his heart of hearts that he wants to keep Riverdale clean, and part of that is making sure there are no Mafia-paid sheriffs running the town.

Finally: let’s clean up some loose ends. Who committed the elaborately staged Midge murder? Do we really believe that Hal possesses the kind of stealth required to silently kill a scream-prone teenage girl, somehow stage an elaborate set of her murder, write messages on the wall, then clean up and take a seat in the audience, ready to enjoy the show? I, for one, do not. This man, to paraphrase Cheryl, lumbers around with the subtlety of bull in a china shop, with about as much elegance as one. I don’t think he is mentally or physically capable of this. Sure, he admitted to it, but I think Hal would like to believe he is much better at, well, everything than he really is. Also, this is way different than the other murders! The other ones were just a quick bada bing, bada boom, yet this one was wildly staged and planned. I just don’t think Hal has the creativity to come up with this. 

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So who does? Certainly not Sheriff Keller. Sure, I have argued he is one of the Black Hoods, but I haven’t argued that he’s killed anyone. He’s mostly just here to cause chaos. Murdering an innocent teenage girl whose only crime is loving that sweet sweet jingle jangle seems too far for him. So who, then? Who possesses the calloused and calculated planning abilities to commit this murder? To me, this murder just screams mafia involvement. The mafia, as viewed through a Riverdale lens, is about theatrics, sending a message, and People Elaborately Dying, as we have seen from 1. Pop’s Poker Night, and the aftermath that followed, 2. Nick renting out a large empty murder warehouse on AirBNB to “make his bones” and prove to everyone once and for all that his penis is actually a normal size. And in Riverdale, where there's Mafia smoke, there's a fire started by Hiram. And why wouldn’t Hiram want this? Things were getting too chummy in Riverdale, and as we have seen time and time again, Hiram’s plans thrive in chaos. Also, we just saw him broker a deal to trade a 17 year old’s life for ??? unclear, so he is not above killing teenagers to make some bucks and further his agenda. And while we're here, why was Chic, during the Town Hall shootout, as everyone else understandably sprinted toward the door, sitting there smiling and laughing like a kid on a frickin carnival ride? Really. I don’t know. I don’t have a theory for this, if you do, please tell me.